My Classic Editor’s Letter 2

Publication: FHM
Issue: February 2005

The standard model “guy” is a pretty straightforward being. When we tell our lady to shut her trap so we can watch some footie, it means just that. There are no hidden messages whatsoever. And it certainly does not mean, “Honey, now is the best time to talk about where this relationship is going.” But as we’ve stressed oh-so-many times in the pages of this very magazine, women on the other hand, are not so much into this business of being straightforward. The word “fine” for example, could mean a million and one things, and it is way better to have all your limbs chopped off by a mega-powered chainsaw than have a woman say the dreaded word to you.

So this month if your girl mutters, “We don’t really need to celebrate Valentine’s Day if you don’t want to,” don’t take it as your cue to jump for joy and spend all the cash on Star Wars Lego. Why? Because there is simply no chance in hell that she actually means it, plus it will take you forever to build one stupid Millennium Falcon.

If anything, it’s simply a test to see if you’re really the sensitive and caring dreamboat that you’ve been pretending to be, or if you’re just, well, a guy. So what do you do? If you really dig the chick – and third base is a great possibility – we recommend you sell all your worldly possessions and spend it all on that one special day. And to help your cause, we’ve got some pretty good V-Day gift ideas on pages 98 and 99. After all, third base is a pretty damn good thing.

My Classic Editor’s Letter 1

Publication: FHM
Issue: May 2004

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This happened to me a couple of weeks ago on my off day. Realising that I was out of shaving cream and hair gel (semi-hard for total control), I decided to drive over to the nearby mall to stock up on all my manly essentials. Besides, I’ve always enjoyed the feeling of walking through a shopping complex when it’s virtually empty – no babies crying, no teenage show-offs with their designer clothes and flasy phones and especially no family-from-hell buying up all the Big Macs.

But as it turned out, it wasn’t really my lucky day after all. Celebrating its anniversary of some sort, the supermarket had a special Members Mega Discount Day where all sorts of Buy-2-get-7 free deals were going on. And this being Malaysia, I just knew it wouldn’t be long before an army of bargain hunters would be bursting through the doors, launching their well-planned attacks.

I was picking up my stuff ala Supermarket Sweep but apparently I just wasn’t quick enough. In mere minutes after the doors had opened, the place already resembled an old KL mini bus – people were elbowing each other to get through the aisled and it was starting to smell really bad.

It was totally out of control in the toiletries section where people were fighting over – and I swear that this is true – toilet paper. They were just loading ‘em up in their trolleys and dumping everything at the cashier to return for more. Some adults even had small children (probably not even theirs) doing the dirty job for them. It was a scene straight from an episode of What Were These Morons Thinking?

As the mob became even more unruly, I started to fear for my life. Then suddenly, Bang! – I was hit from behind by a stray trolley. And the toilet paper maniacs began to trample on me like a public doormat. Weighing my options, I naturally did the macho thing: I hid in a corner with hands over my head and waited for the mayhem to subside.

Laugh all you want but that move saved my life. And it was apparently the right thing to do when stuck in such a predicament. Stiff, if you don’t believe me, flip over to page 59 for our well-researched guide on dealing with life-threatening situations. The feature is called “Read Or Die!” and we’re not kidding…

Lelaki Boleh!

First Published: April 2001
Publication: Men’s Review
Column/Section: Solo Flight
Fake By-Line: Adam Solo

Give me a break! So now women have a whole ministry to call their own. Yippee! What I find sad about this whole thing though, is that us men have done nothing but watch this latest development without registering even the smallest form of protest. I’m not suggesting that they scrap the Ministry altogether. What’s done is done. But guys, let’s ask one for ourselves!

Women are not the only ones with “affairs” that need to be looked into. They’re not the only ones subjected to constant unfair treatment and public “misperceptions”. Sure, they’ve been good at whining about it, but that doesn’t mean men are having it easy all the time.

So, right here and right now, I’m proposing, no, I’m demanding from the Government of the day that a Men’s Affairs Ministry (I’ll figure out a better-sounding name later), be set up as soon as possible.

And if no one else is up to it, I would like to nominate myself as the incoming minister. I’m even willing to give up some of the perks to take on the job (I’ll settle for the Satria Gti instead of the Merc). I’m not a politician, but I’ve been a man all my life, so that should make me a qualified candidate.

Upon my appointment as minister, I shall display compassion and a sense of fair play right away by appointing only females to the various positions. The women can wear whatever they like and I promise I won’t make any smart remarks, ever. The only two guys that I might hire are those deejays from the radio station that plays only Hit music (you know who you are).

With my staff at full force, I would then go on a campaign to demand certain things. First off, women should be banned from saying, as they often do, “I want a husband with a good job, a car and a house”.

My rationale? While women expect the men to be their “partners” when it comes to marriage, men are not allowed to have any expectations from women. It is not enough that women now want the men to share housework and the diaper-changing, the men are also expected to have cars an houses and stable jobs that would also pay for vacations and shopping sprees.

Pardon me, but what is a man supposed to gain from all this? A “partner”? What the hell kind of deal is that? You are expected to work your butts off and make you own Maggie? Err, I don’ think so!

If the women still insist on such arrangement, my next move would be to start education the banks and financial institutions on men’s rights. Loans, for example, should be divided into two. Say a house load is for a period of 25 years. The formula I propose is for the women to pay the monthly installments for the first 12 and a-half years and the men will settle the rest. They want a partnership; we’ll give them a partnership. Fair enough?

Same goes with restaurants and entertainment outlets. I say enough with the freebies for women. The default bill should always be split into two. Only if we feel like we want to belanja can restaurants be allowed to present a single bill. And yes, Valentine’s Day should be banned altogether. If it stays, then roses should be banned instead. Men should be allowed to choose their own type of flowers as gifts. (yeah, I’m not scrapping gifts). Ferns, kekwa or even bunga tahi ayam should be okay.

Also on the agenda of the Ministry would be counseling sessions for men who have been oppressed even without them realizing it. Yes, those men who are weak at the knees and fall for the “hantar I balik kampung” routine by the women. As far as the ministry is concerned, such statements amount to a threat, harrasment at the very least, and men should be counseled on how to tackle such a situation.

Of course there are just some of the issues that the proposed ministry should be handling. If given the mandate, I would also push for other stuff like Amanah Saham Lelaki, more Carmen Electra on TV and to adopt tennis player Anna Kournikova as a Malaysian. Lelaki Boleh!

Blind Date

First published: June 1997
Publication: his
Column/section: Dry Wit
Fake name used: JJ

When I was young and single (this was way back in the 80s), I constantly subjected myself to blind dates. Not that I was a desperate case or anything but the “is she a Raquel Welch or a Roseanne Barr” type of question always heightened the mystery and anticipation would turn the whole dating game into quite an experience.

There are several ways you can end up with a blind date. Some concerned friends may set you up or it might even be your long-lost penpal asking to meet you for the first time. For me, it was always a phone number of a girl given to me by a friend. So, most times, I would have at least one decent conversation with my blind dates before planning a rendezvous.

To tell you the truth, most of the blond dates that I have been through have been let downs. More often than not, the descriptions provided by my dates with regards to their looks would be an exaggeration and the lack of chemistry would be glaringly apparent from the start. Not that I only want to be seen with beautiful people but there really isn’t much honesty on the blind-dating scene.

So before you embark on a blind date yourself (this also applies to girls you pick up on the net), keep these few tips in mind:

Tip No 1
If she tells you that she’s not exactly a looker, then chances are, she’s not. Don’t be misled by her beautiful telephone voice (especially if she’s receptionist) and do not let your imagination get the better of you. If she says she’s ugly (to put it bluntly), believe her! And if she agrees to see you after only one invitation, then that confirms it. If a friend is setting you up, then the line to look out for is, “she’s got a great personality.” In this case, having a personality makes up for the lack in the other department, which is okay, if you’re into the ‘personality’ stuff.

Tip No 2
Again, if your blind date originates from a telephone number and the girl says she’s above average-looking, don’t get too excited. Once, this girl told me she was a Sheila Majid lookalike. Although she was four feet eleven and a half, her other vital stats were definitely ‘Sheila Majid material’. Another time, another prospective date told me she resembled a local artiste, but as expected, she was way off the mark.

The way I see it, the less a person talks about her looks, the better it is. So if a girl simply says, “I have soft lips and long hair but I’m okay-looking,” then there’s a possibility that she might turn out to be a babe. And the hint about the lips and long hair is to keep you interested. It creates a great sense of anticipation and that can be a teal turn on.

Tip No 3
The date should only comprise of a drink. It can be a teh tarik at the 223 stalls or a coke at one of the fancy hangouts in Bangsar. Forget about lunch, dinner, high tea or whatever. The wisdom behind this is that if you find the person to be really, really not your type, your date will only last a few minutes, okay – one hour tops. But if you allow your friends to set you up for a dinner, then you’d have to endure many excruciating hours of bad company and end up with a hefty bill. Some even call this a bad investment.

So, here’s what you do. Always mention (in a “by the way” manner) that you’re “busy nowadays” but “let’s go out for a drink”. If the date doesn’t work out, finish your drink quickly, glance at your watch and say something like, “I really have to get back to the office but it was nice meeting you,” and you’re free!

Tip No 4
The most important thing to remember, however, is that you should always behave like a gentleman. No matter how undesirable your blind date might turn out to be, do not run away like some lunatic. Always keep your composure. This includes your facial expression. Smile when you meet your date and do not break down in tears (even if she’s that undesirable). On the other hand, if she’s an MTV VJ type, do not let your tongue hang out.

Another thing, always wear what you’ve promised to wear. And if you’ve promised to hold a yellow carnation so she’ll know it’s you, make sure you find that yellow carnation. This is a sign of sincerity. Suppose your date turns out to be a real hot babe who appreciates honesty and you turn out wearing batik instead of the black T-shirt you said you would wear, she might get the impression that you only wanted to check her out from a distance and bolt at the first sign of trouble. And excuses like “I forgot my jeans were in the washing machine,” would not cut it.

Men & The Sex Issue

Various research over the years have coughed up basically the same result; that when it comes to men, they form a thought about sex every two minutes or even less. So the next natural question would be – what about sex that they do think about? With some 35 years experience of being a member of the male species, I can say that when it comes to the ‘s’ word, men – get ready for this – simply want it. And we want it to be good. Shockingly simple, isn’t it? Then again, this is the gender that thinks about ‘nothing’ for the rest of the day and considers watching other men in underwear beating each other up as entertainment.



But wait, before you even begin to start composing hate mail to accuse me of being a super shallow caveman, let me qualify the above by saying that this is the situation, per se. Of course men are deeper than that (guys, trust me on this). And the other shocking truth is that when it comes to this taboo of a topic, men need, and want to be educated. Most of us just probably don’t know it.

To understand this further, one just need to refer to the more obvious (annoying) male phenomena i.e.: we never ask for directions. Why is that so? Because men think that they should, and they do know everything, including the directions to the new Fatty Crab outlet in Semenyih. See the connection now?

You see, there are things guys would talk about in-depth, such as cars, and the 4-5-1 formation, but we’d rather keep the mushy and funky stuff to ourselves. Oh sure, when two or more men congregate, be it at the nearby mamak or the lounge of some swanky hotel, the topic of women and doing the naughty are never really off the table. But when it comes to the serious bits of sex, we’d prefer to just, um, zip it up. You could say it’s an ego thing ‘cos no man worth his favourite team’s jersey would say to another, “I suck in the sack, can you give me some tips?” Never.

So, what’s a man to do? Well, at an early age, there’s always your parents to turn to. But in our sex-shy society, this has proven to be a toughie. I remember when my late dad called me to have “the talk” after I went through a ‘sticky’ incident, my reaction was to pull my hair out and sing a Duran Duran song (‘Wild Boys’) on top of my voice.

And that is why when I decided to enter the publishing world some years back, I chose to work for a men’s magazine since I saw it as a form of “service” to my fellow men. Sure, sex and relationship knowledge is also available elsewhere but the problem is in the presentation and packaging. It’s either in the form of serious textbooks with way too many words and hardly any good photos (and guys do need photos), or those girlie mags which requires having to plough through a gazillion lipstick ads just to read that one useful article.

Lad rags meanwhile speak the common language of guydom and employ humour to spread their messages. And while such mags have been accused of being all fluff and fun, the benefits are actually enormous if you care to put things into perspective. For example, when it comes to dating and relationships, the messages are always clean and positive, although the style of writing may seem otherwise. The advice given is usually all about being a gentleman, behaving oneself and getting the right gifts (which does not include cash).

Apart from the regular zany pieces on weird human habits and countless useless lists, articles in such mags only serve to make us better men, deliberately or otherwise.

There’s also the whole smut universe available on basically every media platform imaginable. But do we want to leave such important education to Peter North and co? (Look it up).


And of course when a man is married and all grown up, it gets even harder ‘cos the challenge is no more in the chase, but in creativity. And the sad news is that our society is crap when it comes to providing and endorsing the right messages for this.

In a society where monogamy is prized and promoted, the lack of openness and honesty is simply disturbing. What we’re only good at is useless innuendoes and cheap thrills. Mention “Tongkat Ali” and people get excited by what it connotes. Even at the most prestigious of occasions, this ‘otak kuning’ people just can’t seem to shake off this mentality. But when actual sex positions are mentioned in the press, all hell breaks loose and society had to be immediately protected from such dirty talk.

But let’s not swing too much away from the original topic of this piece and ask that question: so what do guys wanna know anyway? Well, everything. Since it’s on our minds most of the time, and let’s face it, it is one of the most fulfilling pleasures in life, why not learn more and be really good at it? Makes sense, doesn’t it?

With the world, and women, getting more and more complicated (if that’s possible), we men realise that we need to respond accordingly. Tricky issues such as, “is cyber sex really sex?” and “are dirty SMSes between spouses considered good foreplay?” need to be addressed and discussed. And of course there’s the major bummer of an issue – sex diseases. Seriously, no guy wants to be on the injury list and be out of play for even the shortest period. So tell us all about it, and do make it interesting.

And as mentioned earlier, creativity is key for those who’ve taken the most sacred of vows. It is, if you really think about it, one of the keys to better marriages, better families and a better society. Now, don’t we all want that?

Hello!

This is where I put up my past writings previously published by various publications... Keep on reading!