Lelaki Boleh!

First Published: April 2001
Publication: Men’s Review
Column/Section: Solo Flight
Fake By-Line: Adam Solo

Give me a break! So now women have a whole ministry to call their own. Yippee! What I find sad about this whole thing though, is that us men have done nothing but watch this latest development without registering even the smallest form of protest. I’m not suggesting that they scrap the Ministry altogether. What’s done is done. But guys, let’s ask one for ourselves!

Women are not the only ones with “affairs” that need to be looked into. They’re not the only ones subjected to constant unfair treatment and public “misperceptions”. Sure, they’ve been good at whining about it, but that doesn’t mean men are having it easy all the time.

So, right here and right now, I’m proposing, no, I’m demanding from the Government of the day that a Men’s Affairs Ministry (I’ll figure out a better-sounding name later), be set up as soon as possible.

And if no one else is up to it, I would like to nominate myself as the incoming minister. I’m even willing to give up some of the perks to take on the job (I’ll settle for the Satria Gti instead of the Merc). I’m not a politician, but I’ve been a man all my life, so that should make me a qualified candidate.

Upon my appointment as minister, I shall display compassion and a sense of fair play right away by appointing only females to the various positions. The women can wear whatever they like and I promise I won’t make any smart remarks, ever. The only two guys that I might hire are those deejays from the radio station that plays only Hit music (you know who you are).

With my staff at full force, I would then go on a campaign to demand certain things. First off, women should be banned from saying, as they often do, “I want a husband with a good job, a car and a house”.

My rationale? While women expect the men to be their “partners” when it comes to marriage, men are not allowed to have any expectations from women. It is not enough that women now want the men to share housework and the diaper-changing, the men are also expected to have cars an houses and stable jobs that would also pay for vacations and shopping sprees.

Pardon me, but what is a man supposed to gain from all this? A “partner”? What the hell kind of deal is that? You are expected to work your butts off and make you own Maggie? Err, I don’ think so!

If the women still insist on such arrangement, my next move would be to start education the banks and financial institutions on men’s rights. Loans, for example, should be divided into two. Say a house load is for a period of 25 years. The formula I propose is for the women to pay the monthly installments for the first 12 and a-half years and the men will settle the rest. They want a partnership; we’ll give them a partnership. Fair enough?

Same goes with restaurants and entertainment outlets. I say enough with the freebies for women. The default bill should always be split into two. Only if we feel like we want to belanja can restaurants be allowed to present a single bill. And yes, Valentine’s Day should be banned altogether. If it stays, then roses should be banned instead. Men should be allowed to choose their own type of flowers as gifts. (yeah, I’m not scrapping gifts). Ferns, kekwa or even bunga tahi ayam should be okay.

Also on the agenda of the Ministry would be counseling sessions for men who have been oppressed even without them realizing it. Yes, those men who are weak at the knees and fall for the “hantar I balik kampung” routine by the women. As far as the ministry is concerned, such statements amount to a threat, harrasment at the very least, and men should be counseled on how to tackle such a situation.

Of course there are just some of the issues that the proposed ministry should be handling. If given the mandate, I would also push for other stuff like Amanah Saham Lelaki, more Carmen Electra on TV and to adopt tennis player Anna Kournikova as a Malaysian. Lelaki Boleh!