My Classic Editor’s Letter 1

Publication: FHM
Issue: May 2004

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This happened to me a couple of weeks ago on my off day. Realising that I was out of shaving cream and hair gel (semi-hard for total control), I decided to drive over to the nearby mall to stock up on all my manly essentials. Besides, I’ve always enjoyed the feeling of walking through a shopping complex when it’s virtually empty – no babies crying, no teenage show-offs with their designer clothes and flasy phones and especially no family-from-hell buying up all the Big Macs.

But as it turned out, it wasn’t really my lucky day after all. Celebrating its anniversary of some sort, the supermarket had a special Members Mega Discount Day where all sorts of Buy-2-get-7 free deals were going on. And this being Malaysia, I just knew it wouldn’t be long before an army of bargain hunters would be bursting through the doors, launching their well-planned attacks.

I was picking up my stuff ala Supermarket Sweep but apparently I just wasn’t quick enough. In mere minutes after the doors had opened, the place already resembled an old KL mini bus – people were elbowing each other to get through the aisled and it was starting to smell really bad.

It was totally out of control in the toiletries section where people were fighting over – and I swear that this is true – toilet paper. They were just loading ‘em up in their trolleys and dumping everything at the cashier to return for more. Some adults even had small children (probably not even theirs) doing the dirty job for them. It was a scene straight from an episode of What Were These Morons Thinking?

As the mob became even more unruly, I started to fear for my life. Then suddenly, Bang! – I was hit from behind by a stray trolley. And the toilet paper maniacs began to trample on me like a public doormat. Weighing my options, I naturally did the macho thing: I hid in a corner with hands over my head and waited for the mayhem to subside.

Laugh all you want but that move saved my life. And it was apparently the right thing to do when stuck in such a predicament. Stiff, if you don’t believe me, flip over to page 59 for our well-researched guide on dealing with life-threatening situations. The feature is called “Read Or Die!” and we’re not kidding…