Men & The Sex Issue

Various research over the years have coughed up basically the same result; that when it comes to men, they form a thought about sex every two minutes or even less. So the next natural question would be – what about sex that they do think about? With some 35 years experience of being a member of the male species, I can say that when it comes to the ‘s’ word, men – get ready for this – simply want it. And we want it to be good. Shockingly simple, isn’t it? Then again, this is the gender that thinks about ‘nothing’ for the rest of the day and considers watching other men in underwear beating each other up as entertainment.



But wait, before you even begin to start composing hate mail to accuse me of being a super shallow caveman, let me qualify the above by saying that this is the situation, per se. Of course men are deeper than that (guys, trust me on this). And the other shocking truth is that when it comes to this taboo of a topic, men need, and want to be educated. Most of us just probably don’t know it.

To understand this further, one just need to refer to the more obvious (annoying) male phenomena i.e.: we never ask for directions. Why is that so? Because men think that they should, and they do know everything, including the directions to the new Fatty Crab outlet in Semenyih. See the connection now?

You see, there are things guys would talk about in-depth, such as cars, and the 4-5-1 formation, but we’d rather keep the mushy and funky stuff to ourselves. Oh sure, when two or more men congregate, be it at the nearby mamak or the lounge of some swanky hotel, the topic of women and doing the naughty are never really off the table. But when it comes to the serious bits of sex, we’d prefer to just, um, zip it up. You could say it’s an ego thing ‘cos no man worth his favourite team’s jersey would say to another, “I suck in the sack, can you give me some tips?” Never.

So, what’s a man to do? Well, at an early age, there’s always your parents to turn to. But in our sex-shy society, this has proven to be a toughie. I remember when my late dad called me to have “the talk” after I went through a ‘sticky’ incident, my reaction was to pull my hair out and sing a Duran Duran song (‘Wild Boys’) on top of my voice.

And that is why when I decided to enter the publishing world some years back, I chose to work for a men’s magazine since I saw it as a form of “service” to my fellow men. Sure, sex and relationship knowledge is also available elsewhere but the problem is in the presentation and packaging. It’s either in the form of serious textbooks with way too many words and hardly any good photos (and guys do need photos), or those girlie mags which requires having to plough through a gazillion lipstick ads just to read that one useful article.

Lad rags meanwhile speak the common language of guydom and employ humour to spread their messages. And while such mags have been accused of being all fluff and fun, the benefits are actually enormous if you care to put things into perspective. For example, when it comes to dating and relationships, the messages are always clean and positive, although the style of writing may seem otherwise. The advice given is usually all about being a gentleman, behaving oneself and getting the right gifts (which does not include cash).

Apart from the regular zany pieces on weird human habits and countless useless lists, articles in such mags only serve to make us better men, deliberately or otherwise.

There’s also the whole smut universe available on basically every media platform imaginable. But do we want to leave such important education to Peter North and co? (Look it up).


And of course when a man is married and all grown up, it gets even harder ‘cos the challenge is no more in the chase, but in creativity. And the sad news is that our society is crap when it comes to providing and endorsing the right messages for this.

In a society where monogamy is prized and promoted, the lack of openness and honesty is simply disturbing. What we’re only good at is useless innuendoes and cheap thrills. Mention “Tongkat Ali” and people get excited by what it connotes. Even at the most prestigious of occasions, this ‘otak kuning’ people just can’t seem to shake off this mentality. But when actual sex positions are mentioned in the press, all hell breaks loose and society had to be immediately protected from such dirty talk.

But let’s not swing too much away from the original topic of this piece and ask that question: so what do guys wanna know anyway? Well, everything. Since it’s on our minds most of the time, and let’s face it, it is one of the most fulfilling pleasures in life, why not learn more and be really good at it? Makes sense, doesn’t it?

With the world, and women, getting more and more complicated (if that’s possible), we men realise that we need to respond accordingly. Tricky issues such as, “is cyber sex really sex?” and “are dirty SMSes between spouses considered good foreplay?” need to be addressed and discussed. And of course there’s the major bummer of an issue – sex diseases. Seriously, no guy wants to be on the injury list and be out of play for even the shortest period. So tell us all about it, and do make it interesting.

And as mentioned earlier, creativity is key for those who’ve taken the most sacred of vows. It is, if you really think about it, one of the keys to better marriages, better families and a better society. Now, don’t we all want that?